462 words
4 minute read
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When a friend of mine read this excerpt of my current novel, her reaction was huge. And she recognized, as a fellow disabled person, how momentous it was for a disabled character to be able to utter the words, "I can't."
That led to a pretty deep discussion and that led us to discussing the possibility for a blog post, and that led Tara to suggesting that we talk to more of our disabled friends and acquaintances to find out their relationship with the phrase, "I can't."
So many friends volunteered and their responses were so good that I decided to share their interviews individually.
Here's mine:
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| [A black and white photo shows Tonia, her head in her hand. She's not smiling.] |
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Were you allowed to say “I can’t” when you were growing up?
TONIA: I think, especially in physical therapy (from ages two to twelve) I was not listened to when I said, “I can’t.” I was instantly told, “Yes, you can.”
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What do you mean as a person with a disability when you say, “I can’t?” (Are there cultural nuances to the phrase that get misunderstood?)
TONIA: “I can’t,” for me, means I literally cannot physically do what’s asked of me. Sometimes because of my CP and sometimes even because of my C-PTSD.
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What risks or vulnerabilities exist in saying “I can’t” as a disabled person?
TONIA: At worst? Assault.
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Do you have any memories of saying or wanting to say, “I can’t?” How was this limit received?
TONIA: I rarely said, “I can’t”, but when pushed to walk with one crutch while carrying something in my free hand and being screamed at the entire time. My spasticity kicked with the stress of the situation and I fell on my knees. I was pulled to my feet by my hair and told to “stand the **** up!”
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What message was conveyed to you because of moments like this?
TONIA: I felt worthless and degraded. I felt deeply misunderstood and deeply unloved.
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Have your experiences contributed to the way you set or struggle to set boundaries?
TONIA: The first time I set boundaries as an adult, it was terrifying, and led to rounds of harassment on and off for years. We still occasionally deal with this, but do our best to keep our boundaries in place.
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